selfaware soup

Esther Weidauer



(archived tweets with the #ThisIsGenderDysphoria hashtag)

For years not seeing a dentist and not getting a sick note even when seriously ill because your health insurance still is under your deadname and being misgendered in front of the entire waiting room would be unbearable.

Asking yourself “is the positive feeling of accomplishment at work worth being treated like some sort of monster by some of my coworkers?” every morning

Having to stop doing your favorite sport (or any physical exercise) because it makes you acutely aware of what is wrong with your body and you just can’t take it anymore.

Taking a deep breath before taking a shower and getting it over with as quickly as possible with your eyes closed so you don’t have to see or feel your unfitting body too much.

Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall asleep again because you can’t find a position where your body doesn’t feel just wrong.

Being exhausted and tired during your vacation because, even while “doing nothing”, constantly forcing your attention away from your body takes a huge mental effort.

Having to be careful about the amount of physical intimacy you can allow yourself since a little too much can cause a burst of disgust at your body. And just forget having anything even close to sex.

Being afraid of attending meetings with that one colleague who always misgenders you even after being told not to multiple times, because you know that if they do it again it will likely mess you up for several days.